Lauren Liggett

Art exhibit deals with female body image

I hate myself. I look at my thighs; I grab and give them a good shake. The jiggling motion disgusts me. My own hateful eyes turn their scrutiny to my fleshy belly. One short finger pokes it; the skin softly rebounds into its folds. Tears swell in my eyes as I am reminded of the impossible standards I’m held up to by society. I want bony limbs and a concave stomach, jutting clavicles and an angular silhouette.

I am me, and I am you. I am a modern woman who has been severely punished by society for having a body that does not live up to the ideals placed on my shoulders by fashion designers and other sad, self-loathing women.

But, when I look in my friend’s slightly distorted full-length mirror, I see a tall, lithe woman. She has my face and my outift, but she has a different — in my eyes, better — body, than I have. Her legs and arms are thin; her hips do not curve out; her neck is lean and elegant.

Ashley Jeffries has attacked this very issue in her recent exhibit, “Distorted Perceptions,” which is a group of nude paintings in which she deals with society’s, as well as her own, struggles with perception and distorted self-image.

This deeply personal exhibit attacks the ideas that plague all women and, as Jeffries said in an interview, “the lies [women] believe because of judgment and comparison.”

She said, “The label ‘eating disorder’ is so much broader than anorexia or bulimia.” She discussed that several pieces were inspired by her own struggle with exercise obsession. For instance, the painting “Food Baby,” at surface level, depicts a woman who is slightly bloated-looking, presumably after having eaten a big meal. Jeffries said, “’Food Baby’ stems from jokes about eating too much, but, honestly, that’s when I feel the most miserable. When I feel like that, exercise makes me feel safe, and I’ll do it until I’m ready to collapse.”

Another heartbreakingly relatable piece was “Ceramic Coffin,” which depicted a woman’s body submerged in a bathtub. This vulnerable scene aptly portrays what at first may seem an ordinary scene in an extraordinary and almost desperate light. “The bathtub distorts your body, and you’re all out there in front of yourself,” Jeffries said.

Three pieces that stuck out as some of the most emotional and personal were, “Distorted Perceptions,” “Did You Think I’d Order a F***ing Salad?” and “Problem Areas.”

Of “Distorted Perceptions,” which depicts two women of extremely different sizes and shapes, Jeffries said, “People see it differently. Many see confidence in the ‘bigger woman.’” The incredible thing about “Distorted Perceptions” is that it can be interpreted in different ways by different women.

“Did You Think I’d Order a F***ing Salad?” addresses an actual experience in Jeffries’ life. The scene depicted is that of a girl in a McDonald’s eating a hamburger. Jeffries has installed chains from her wrists to her hips, a sign of the extreme restraint that women are expected to show in their eating habits. In the real story, the McDonald’s was an Italian restaurant and the burger was a bowl of pasta. “A family member took me out to lunch,” said Jeffries, “and he asked if I was on a high-carb diet when I ordered pasta and breadsticks.”

“The wrong outfit can make you feel so much worse about yourself,” said Ashley as we moved on to discuss “Problem Areas.” This painting, one of the more abstract of the bunch, also has 3D media involved corset-like strips of fabric seem to pull and suck in the figures’ “problem areas.”

“For [‘Problem Areas’], I just shut off my mind and let it happen,” said Jeffries. “I painted it, then wrote all over it.” This piece is the largest and is the most blatant about society’s pressure to be thin. Jeffries’ original plan for the painting was to actually sew the corset pieces onto it. However, while working on the piece, she was so overcome by emotion at one point that she literally ripped off her T-shirt. It was a significant revelation for Jeffries, as she felt like she was tearing off old, bad feelings along with the shirt — a shirt from high school that had all the signatures of members of her senior class on it. Instead of sewing, she tied pieces of fabric from the shirt onto the painting. These symbolic pieces worked wonderfully because of their roughness and rawness.

Jeffries discussed that, especially after working on this project, she no longer knows what an “ideal” body should look like. “What is beautiful? I think it’s about, despite a lack of answers, loving who you are anyway… Studying [the exhibit] after I realized I had a problem was really interesting. They’ve all spoken to me about the lies that I believe.”

Jeffries’ self-portrait “Self Portrait” shows just how skewed and false our perceptions of ourselves really can be. “I believed it wasn’t distorted, but after I had finished it, a girl was looking at it and said, ‘The shoulders are too big.’”

Though she is unsure now of what she thinks is the “perfect” body, Jeffries said that of her paintings, “This Skin I’m In” is the closest to her own ideals. Though this painting was the second of the series that she started, it was the last one she finished - she had such a hard time with it, in fact, that she considered not including it in the exhibit. However, after hearing her discuss the piece, it is clear that “This Skin I’m In” is an integral part to the exhibit. The colors and brisk brushstrokes depict “the feeling of skin crawling, always changing.” Ashley said that “This Skin I’m In,” in addition to the other paintings, helped her realize that, “it’s okay to have a woman’s body. How can you define [your body] as a size? It is always growing and always getting older.”

“It’s definitely been therapeutic,” she said, “Crying… letting people know. I still have days where I don’t wanna eat or where I feel disgusting… It was really interesting not only to realize you’re not alone, but also that it’s not your fault you feel that way, and that it’s okay if there’s no real answer.”

Ashley’s exhibit opened April 14 and the exhibit was in the Grill. Prices are not currently available on the paintings, as Ashley plans on entering some of them into contests, but she would be willing to sell pieces if someone was really touched by and interested in one of them.

Published April 2009 in the Asbury Collegian.